The Given Name

I'm glad my parents gave me an English name, and registered it at birth. Although we are not Christians, but it is common these days for the Chinese to adopt one such name. Some are Christians, and some are not. Some given names are Biblical, and others are just, culturally-influenced, I would say. Some names date back to years ago and carries a certain meaning. Our given names, namesake or not, is something we should carry to our very graves.

Hi, my name is Angelyn Ho Wai Lee.

I bear the surname 'Ho' from my father, and 'Wai' is a common name for almost all the females in the family.. 'Lee', pronounced as Lei in Cantonese put together with my sister's last name 'Mee', pronounced as Mei bears Mei Lei, which means pretty or beautiful. Simple and sweet, nothing complicated.

I never did learn to read or write Chinese, or speak Mandarin for that matter of fact. I can speak Cantonese, which is my mother tongue, so I guess that's good enough. I don't think my inability to be more Chinese-educated (speaking, reading and writing) makes me any less Chinese.

So don't come telling me I'm not Chinese enough because I can't speak Mandarin. To hell with your shallowness!

Anyways, back to my name. I like my name the way it is. I prefer my Chinese name as it is because it's simple and easy to pronounce. Malaysians can really screw names up by pronouncing it all wrong. What to do, language contamination, bahasa baku influence, aiya Engrand also so-so..

My name is Angelyn Ho Wai Lee, and I shall be addressed as such.

I was at the Kementerian Dalam Negeri building this morning, wanted to renew my passport. So the usual procedure; fill in forms, thumbprint scan, pay the fee, and wait to collect the renewed document. And when it was my turn to collect, the lady at the counter called out my Chinese name, only that. HO WAI LEE. It's no big deal, but it felt different.

Woman, my name is stated there, documents and such: Angelyn Ho Wai Lee. Y u no comprendo?!

Maybe there are some cases, some people adopt English names, fancy schmancy ones like Lebron, or Apple (the latter makes me eat my own vomit. Why would anyone name themselves Apple?! Geez). But if it's in my legal documents as Angelyn Ho Wai Lee, why don't you call me that? My Angelyn mean as much as my Chinese name, if not more. It's my name, my given name, and you shall call me that.

Axing out my English name is like taking an identity from me. Ho Wai Lee could be a completely different person. Plus, I'm in a government building, you're a government officer, and these are all official documents. The name I wrote in them little boxes and it says there, sebagaimana yang tertera dalam kad pengenalan, is my actual name.


That's my name and woman, you're going to call it as it is stated!

Unless it's Ho Wai Lee Angelyn, then fine, you can address me by my Chinese name first.

Seriously, something that is just right in front of you, and you can't seem to follow. No wonder Malaysia is still so backwards. No wonder our nation is not developing with a slow, inefficient and corrupt government service. Why are we feeding a bloated 1.4 million civil servants when they can't even follow simple instructions?

Sweet fucking lord, just do something worthwhile for the country, boleh tak?

Gosh, don't get me started on the incompetent workers of the government. I feel like shipping you people to Guantanamo Bay. Oh wait, we do have our own, Pulau Jerejak!

Too Sick, Too Tired

In contrary to the mentioned above, I'm actually quite well. I feel good today. A friend of mine, I quip, daresay I'm in a state of high delirium. Pfffttttt... It just happens to be a good day! I went for my interview, new clothes, awesome high heels, striding with confidence and a tad bit of smug.

Yes, I do enjoy occasional self-praise, but these are the rare days whereby I'm walking about, smiling and feeling happy about myself.

It's been a while.

The reason as to the title of this post is that some things that are prolonged, can be very exhaustive. Too sick and tired to think and reason things out. Just wanna get on with the basics in life,  focus on my goals, and not put too much effort in those that are not worthy of my time, concern and empathy.

I have better things to do in life than to help, adjust or be there to those who are not worthy of me. I can do so much more than to care for you.

It may sound a bit selfish of me to say it. One man for himself, eh? But, a done deal is a done deal. No point in contemplating the past, and repairing what can't be repaired. If you're in need of fixing so much, try another handyman, cause that ain't gona be me! Even if you want me back, I can only be that handyman I used to be, this much. No extra effort, yo.

Too sick, too tired.

In some ways, I was actually being literal when I meant too sick, too tired. Sometime last week, my right eye suffered from an infection. I went to the doctor and he proved me right. The inflammation was almost grotesque. I was in hiding throughout the first day, only walking to a clinic near my neighbourhood to check my eye out. I skipped work.  For once, in a long time, my daily agenda for the past week was work and back. No lingering around, hanging out with random peeps. I couldn't face society, that's how bad it was!

One day after my first visit the clinic, the inflammation had gone worse! What up, doc?! Isn't it an understanding that after medication, and a number of hours later, the swell would gradually decrease? Why is it going the opposite direction? I'm no medical genius, but I was appalled to think that the swelling could get any worse. It cannot be. People judge. I'm image-conscious. I can't keep on hiding my face at home 24/7 right? Hence, second visit to the doctor, grilled him kau2, and he gave me some eye ointment to apply on, on top of previous pills and antibiotics (both sessions costed me RM73 in total!).

I'm not a pill-swallower. I simply find it extremely difficult to take oral antibiotics. It's been this way since I was young. I do discipline myself, by breaking the pill into half. It helps a bit, not much. Every time I swallow a pill (the huge ones), it's almost bulimic-like because I can feel the pill stuck in my throat, and in the verge of vomiting.

Those were hard times for five days. Dear antibiotics, why must you be completed?!

I'm better now, feeling good. Antibiotics completed. Eye back to normal. Everything is fine now. :)

But are they?

Too sick, too tired. The very notion denotes a state of weariness, like I'm done, please don't bug me and get the fuck out. It will kill you if you care about what others think of you, or to pound on something/someone but not getting what you want.

Getting what I want, doing things my way, is it really that important? Why do the people around us affect so much of our lives? GAH MINDFUCKED. Too much Social Psychology goin' on from the previous semester.

When we put all our heart out there, doing what we think generates the best outcome. Happiness for everyone. But sometimes, our effort is put to waste. Not that we need a reason to do something, but make it worthwhile. If there's no worth, it seems pretty pointless. Which boils down to the ultimate question, why do we need a reason, or worth to do something? Why can't we just do it cause we want to?

Very true, my friend.

We don't really need a reason to do something. I want to do it, cause I want to, and nobody is stopping me! But then there comes a point where it becomes too pointless. Too sick, too tired to go on.

That might sound a bit pessimistic, but then again, it sucks the life of you, and the pointlessness makes no bloody sense anymore, and the only thing rational to do is to put a stop to all the nonsense, and move on.

And move on we shall.

I don't give up easily. I really don't. I do things with passion, with all my heart and soul can give. I offer you the raw and intense stuff, why can't you do the same? At least, a wee bit of it in return. I don't expect much, I really don't. But, is it really that hard to ask? To return that small favour?

The heart and soul which I wear on my sleeve all this while, I'm taking it back. As self-absorbed as it sounds, I don't want to put my all for something not worthwhile. Best kept for the better things in life. Those that will generate maximum amount of happiness and pleasure.

Utilitarianism for the win!

Too sick, too tired, and moving on to greener pastures.
Life is too short. And I want mine to be worthwhile.

I want it to be a legacy.

Big dreams for a petite one, eh?